shan

shan

Saturday, February 15, 2020


Love and Something Unlike it

Some topics are above my pedigree. On those matters, I'm slow in thought. I'd like to be slower to speak. With another Valentine's Day behind me, I've been reflecting on love. I cautiously offer my sluggish opinions.

All things considered; love is still the greatest power ever known. Unfortunately, it is also the most abused, misused, and misunderstood. I'm not claiming guru status here. I don't have the answers. I am merely an observer. Life has taught me that man has no real idea what love is. Sure, he comes close to it. He even has a wildly pleasant form of it, but real love escapes him. Should he manage to find it, he doesn't dwell in it. How's that for positivity?

When asked what's the greatest commandment. Jesus said, "love the Lord your God with all your heart soul, strength and mind." In revealing what the greatest commandment is, He also revealed what love looks like. He paints this picture of the all-encompassing. Love is the offering of everything you have.

My husband is "Mr. Easy." He is a relaxed guy. He is also organized and orderly, yet he accepts my general messiness. He does laundry, cooks, clean, takes care of children and pets. The guy can almost do no wrong. Except he does. They are often little things. An occasional dirty dish left outside its habitat. His lunch container, on the counter. Mostly, he fails in observing certain laws of the household as set by me. No jackets on the backs of dining room chairs. No electronic devices on the dining room table. No shoes on the carpet. I was furiously cleaning up after him one day, when the true source of my anger was uncovered. "You want love, but you don't want to sacrifice." Ouch! It stung. I assumed myself more mature. I was not.

Love without sacrifice. Is that even possible?  It became clear to me, that I wanted all of the benefits of love, but I wanted it without any personal change to me, or to what was comfortable to me. Unfortunately, this is what love looks like to many. We add people to our world/lives, without expecting them to affect or impact it in any real way. Nor do we anticipate well, or welcome the changes they bring to it from theirs.

Many, more mature than I, do anticipate those changes. They are willing to make certain sacrifices, but more often their adjustments look like concessions, and compromises rather than total surrender. The question remains. What is love without sacrifice? I believe that the extent to which we are willing to magnanimously sacrifice, is the extent to which we love.

This is why the love of God is so astounding. Some have deemed it "reckless." It certainly looks that way when compared to ours. But that's not fair. We are not the bar. Therefore, comparison isn't a real one. It shouldn't be used to assign a label or draw a conclusion. God and man are unequal. Purity compared to the impure is like comparing Monopoly money to actual money. It is actually more like life and light, compared to death and darkness. In most circumstances, and without discussion, we'd dismiss the fake thing altogether. It's not worthy of conversation, much less comparison.
Perfection is the only true standard. God is Love. Love is who He is. He is the whole reason we love at all. Anything we know of love we have learned from Him. He taught us that love requires selflessness. It is this total selflessness that earned Him the label "reckless." Real and true is a more accurate description. Otherwise everything about Him is "reckless," grace, forgiveness, all. And that raises so many questions. Let's just leave all of it alone. Let's agree that whatever God has given man, He gave it extravagantly. Whether peace, or love, joy, hope, and more, His generosity in all, is astonishing. It is this willingness to give so much that draws us to Him. He has taught us the that love requires something of us. It requires a sacrifice, an offering. His was phenomenal.  His sacrifice wasn't large. It was everything.

Sacrifices are necessary to love, but not all are equal. It is possible to sacrifice begrudgingly. That sort can come dressed nicely, but it reeks of control, and power. "Look at what I have done for you. Do you see how good I am? How patiently I endure you. You owe me something, for my pains." Though never spoken, those thoughts can be held, communicated via deeds, and acted upon by a love that is less than. This is often where humans love from. It is love that keeps score. It keeps a record of wrongs, by sometimes keeping a record of rights. "I have done X, Y, Z." The end result is the same. It is used to convict that debtor of wrong, hold him hostage, or keep him in bondage.

Further, we often love from a position of weakness. "I need you therefore I love you." That's the theme in just about every romance film. Some guy is hopelessly in love with a beautiful girl. He pursues her. Some girl is rescued from trying circumstances, by one who will make her life better, forever. We celebrate this sort of love. I wonder about it. If the one who had something to gain, were not in that vulnerable position, would the love be so consuming? Would that heart so willingly "fall?" Side note: I'm leery of "fallen" anything. Fallen hearts. Fallen people. Fallen trees. Just falling in general. I digress. My point is, if she wasn't beautiful, he didn't need her, and she didn't enhance his life in anyway, would the love be there? If he wasn't the prince, and couldn't rescue her, would she be content with him? All indications are that real love is most clearly revealed when it is extended to the unworthy. The undeserving. The love we read about often makes people worthy by, wealth, beauty or by character. Something redeemable exist. Love for the all-around ugly is a rare, and elusive thing. There is zero benefit in it to the one who has better options.

Far be it from me to mock attraction, or needing someone. But I do think the desperation that we crave in love, is sometimes tied to an inexplainable core need. Often it expresses itself in a certain sort of selfishness. We think sentiments about being unable to "live without" a person is cute, or even romantic. We assume they show devotion, and oneness. I think it reveals the root of a love that is driven by personal satisfaction. Isn't that truly a fulfilment issue?
On the flipside, there are those who seek to be someone's "everything." They want to be the center of another person's world. There is selfishness in that too. We want another human's wellbeing connected to ours, and seeking ours. There's a word for that. Worship. We want to know that someone cannot live without us. They need us. Think about that. "I cannot live without you."  That is "love" that literally restricts life. That's control, and that type of love brings bondage. That's exactly what love from a place of desperation looks like. One or both parties are deriving some benefit related to fulfillment from it.  It is not healthy. It is a poor substitute for what we actually want, real love. It does exist.

I reluctantly admit that the fairytales also offer a glimpse of genuine love. It's wrapped so tightly in a blanket of baloney, blink, and you'll miss it. But wade through the general superficial elements in these stories, and you have a kernel of truth related to real love told over and over again. It is tied to who the prince is. He represents power. That is love from the position of strength. The prince does not need the maiden. He is by all means self-sufficient. He faithfully loves one who can in no way benefit him. She is only a part of the story because he has made her worthy. That's a clue. True love always steps down to draw others up. It is humble, patient, kind and considerate. It is only ever pure. On some levels we understand this. We marvel and measure the depth of love by how low a person is willing to go for it. This is key to love from a position of strength, and it is superior to love from desperation. One is true and noble, the other can be tainted by need, a lack of contentment and perhaps even greed. "I don't need you; but I choose you." That is superior to, "I desperately need you, I can't live without you so I choose you."

I'm not trying to trash human love. Nor am I saying that need is wrong. It just occurs to me that one is greater. It reminds me of when Jesus said, "it is more blessed to give than to receive. Both are blessed. One simply offers more blessings than the other. Love from need, can be love. Love from choice is a grander thing is the point. That is God's love, a choice on the part of perfection.  Man's love is not complete. It has room to be informed, and therefore transformed. Through humility and obedience, it becomes a more "reckless" thing.

I remain as I began, with thoughts beyond me.  I'm attempting to communicate the divine. God alone knows love. He loves from a position of total strength, without need for us, but with absolute consideration of us. He alone enables us to love in this manner. Anything calling itself love, but not resembling His, is a work in progress at best, or a true counterfeit. It is plagued with fulfillment issues. Oh, it can feel good. It may even provide a measure of comfort, but it has limits. Testing quickly reveals it is not the all-powerful thing it purports to be. It is my great hope that one day we all know well, love unrestrained

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Keto Cheeto

Over the years my weight has fluctuated. Thankfully, my metabolism is somewhat high. At forty plus, I'm still close to my high school weight. I suspect that the boost in my metabolism won't last forever. I'm also a lazy clothing selector. I like going to my closet, and wearing whatever I feel. I'd rather not have to wear clothes that "make me look smaller" or my "fat clothes." I'd also rather not pack on any more pounds. With those thoughts in mind, I started looking at sustainable diets. 

A confession: I'm not a diet person. Many years ago I tried the Slim Fast Diet. Remember those things? A shake for breakfast? A shake for lunch? And a delicious meal? Yeah that. Well I did that diet and gained weight. Turns out a shake for breakfast wasn't enough. I had to have four eggs, toast, meat and cheese with it. A shake for lunch was really filling, with a burger and fries, and afternoon snacks. You get the idea. Diets are not for me. There is something about the word "no" that makes me want a thing instantly.

As I write this, half of my friends are on The Next 56 Days. It's a low carb plan. The other half is doing keto, also low carb. Many of them have had great successes with these plans. It's truly about a lifestyle change.  But low carb means I have to say "no" to something, and therein lies the problem. I love mangoes, and pineapples, and grapefruit, and apples and kiwi, and guava,  peaches, and honey dew, papayas... You see where this is going. A low carb life places restrictions on all of those things. Restrictions means "no." Some people have said, "You can have those things occasionally." Wrong. I see fruit benders in the making. Island folks cannot have fruit occasionally. In fact I'm pretty sure our blood is like ninety percent fruit juice. Going low carb would be difficult at best. 

To complicate matters, I have a very unhealthy close relationship with Cheetos. It has been my "go to" stress snack since childhood. It has helped me manage frustration, and hard days. Its crunch has been
my reward, and a relaxation technique. It's cheesy therapy in a bag.
It's fair to say I am a connoisseur of the snack.  I've tried them all. Thus far, the Simply Brand puffs are the best. Nothing comes close. Yes. I know it's not great for me. I don't even want to know what's in the white dust sprinkled on the stuff. Honestly, I'd probably eat it regardless. 
For the record, I usually prefer crunchy Cheetos. The Simply brand does make a crunchy version. It is with great reluctance that I admit, the puffs in that brand is better. Not that I'd refuse either version.

And so it goes. Every time I consider my diet, these deep and troubling thoughts loom. "How would you ever survive low carb? You cannot restrict mangoes. It is an island sin. Your grandmother would be so disappointed. Did God not know too much carbs are bad? Why oh why, did He make all of this delicious fruit? You know Keto doesn't make a Cheeto right? You hate counting anything." 
It's safe to say that I am resigned to mostly clean eating.  I'll continue to eat tons of fruit and veggies, lots of  seafood-mainly salmon because it's easily accessible and I'm part bear. I think someone like me, should just adhere to eating sensibly. I don't need a diet to tell me eating a "family sized" bag of chips in a sitting is not a good idea. At this point I'd be ahead if I just purged my diet of all the O's. Fritos. Doritos. Tostitos. And the obligatory Oreos.








Friday, February 7, 2020

"Power Couple"

Recently a friend referred to my husband and I as a "power couple." She was being completely facetious of course. My family was recovering from a stomach bug. We shared a laugh about how I was about to power through cleaning the toilets, and moved on. 

This morning I awoke to dog poop in my basement. Yes, the same dog that I posted about just a post or two ago. Needless to say any maturity I previously expressed regarding this animal, left me. The dog knew it too. She wisely avoided me the entire time I was cleaning her mess.

I had recently disinfected upstairs, only to be greeted by the funk of dog coming from downstairs. With no one to strangle in sight, my thoughts mockingly drifted back to the "power couple" joke. I wished my friend could see that moment. Shanda versus dog diarrhea. One half of the "power couple" was totally failing the title.
Anger flooded my being as I flooded the basement with Clorox. Somewhere in the midst of bleach fumes (or perhaps as a result of it) it occurred to me to be grateful for moments that keep me humble. I'm not sure I was open to that lesson this morning, but it's been with me all day. As a consequence, you get to hear all about it now.
Humility is one of the most underestimated postures in life. Yet, it is one of the most powerful positions we can take. I believe it is the gateway to every blessing of God.  The might it takes to humble oneself, is nothing short of divine.
Yes, I know what is meant by the term "power couple." We are talking about a marriage, between two people of equal economic ability, fame, influence, talent and status. These are two people who are dynamic in their own right, but an absolute phenomena when together. Got it. I'd like to present another option, one that represents people of  humble circumstances.

Think about the man who stands by his wife dying of cancer. What about the couple who have stayed together against all the crazy odds? There are those who have limited income, but they love and support each other. What about the parents who don't have wealthy supporters to help them raise the kids? Both work hard on a daily, and stay up at night taking care of sick babies, homework and whatever is needed. What about the wife who loves and stands by that husband who lost is job, or became disabled? How about our military families who give up time, limbs and mental health to better our country? These families accept the sacrifices for worthy principles. Are these not power couples?

I think so. I believe it takes a lot of humility to do the things that simply need to be done. To take every blow that life throws at you, to keep getting up, and fighting to be together, takes tremendous power. Remember, these are the people without maids, chefs, chauffeurs, platinum cards, or whatever convenience makes life easier. I don't begrudge anyone who has work hard or has means. I'd simply like to add another consideration to the term "power couple."

I believe it takes a lot of power to live a humble and committed life. To stay in love though reality screams "Run!" "Save yourself." It is so easy to reason our way out of such circumstances. Things change. You marry someone, and you both go from being skinny, and having six packs to dad body, cellulite, and muffin tops. We lose our hair. We have car accidents, develop illnesses. We have children who are disabled. These are the things that we can't plan. Yet, many find a way to power through.

If you have circumstances like these, I honor you. I believe you and others like you are the true "power couples."  You experience life in its hardest forms, and you stick with your spouse and choose to keep going. You fight with each other, but you fight harder for each other. I admire you. I'm proud of you for doing the things that needs to be done. I respect you for being humble enough to accept and enjoy what you have, even though you might want more. Whether you are flipping burgers, or cleaning toilets, if you are out there humbly serving, and working along side your spouse to better your family, I applaud you. You have my "power couple" seal of approval."

Saturday, February 1, 2020



"Smile!"
The following is a public service announcement: 

There are those who have made it their life's work to approach random strangers, and instruct them to "smile." Though the public appreciates your interest in gaiety, we ask that you refrain the practice. A smile is like a gift, a reward. You cannot ask or demand it of another human. While we suspect you mean no harm, in essence you are asking strangers to alter their face to please you. It is an insult to the intelligence of the one to whom it is asked. Life has likely taught them when and when not to apply the appropriate facial expression. They have managed to accomplish this fete year after year without you there to instruct them. Consider that the person may not be smiling because they are competent enough the know when not to. Maybe they lost a loved one, have gastrointestinal issues. They could be experiencing a raging personal itch. Perhaps they simply don't want to, or maybe they don't like you. Research seems to suggest a strong correlation between laughter and smiles to like and dislike. Maybe the person is angry. As a general rule angry people frown upon smiling. Literally. It is therefore, not a good practice to ask an angry person to "smile." You risk potential damage to your own smile, and the loss of your very own teeth.  
It is also possible some of the unsmiling persons among us have naturally angry features. There are other terms for this. Do your research. The point is, quit asking them to customize their appearance to suit your preferred mood. These are people. They are not your minions. They owe you nothing. If you insist on this practice then please expect the "unsmiling" among us to start handing out one word instructions of their own. "Scowl. Bathe. Diet. Flee. Trip. Scratch. Undress. Die." It's only fair they should have a say too.  Stop, before commands replace greetings. 
This is also an ideal time to ask those of you, who feel the need to point out to darker black people, that they "look so much better when they smile," to stop. They have seen a mirror, and are fully aware of the contrast between their skin and their teeth. You'd  never say to a pale person, "you look so much better when you tan." The practice is then one-sided, and furiously unwelcomed.  
Just stop all smiling advice period. Let nature communicate this. It will be okay. Humanity can handle these things without input.  
Finally, out of goodwill and because your intent is likely kind, try the following solution: If you want to see joy, spread it yourself.  It's been proven quite contagious. Spread Joy. Don't demand it. You will  see more smiles if you greet others with one of your own.