Ever notice how easy it is to say that God can do whatever He wants, that is until he decides to do whatever He wants with you? At that point we become a little less thrilled with the idea. I'm majorly guilty of this one. I'd like to believe I'm a woman of faith, but truth is, I have a plan, and faith is usually in opposition to that plan whatever it may be. Oh, I want God to work in my life, but there are times I wish He'd seek my opinion/ approval first. Yes I said that. It's the truth. I've been trying to resign as my commander and chief and place that leadership into more capable hands, but the words come easy, and at times the action seems nearly impossible. *Sigh*
What's a girl to do? God will except no less than total surrender, and in certain areas I'm guilty of offering no more than partial. Isn't "partial surrender" an oxymoron? Anyway, it's the age old battle of a man (woman) versus pride. Truth is, we like being gods of our own little world. We have the power there (or so we think) and it feels safe to control something. To place all things in hands not your own, is the epitome of submission. It's uncertain, it feels unsafe, and it is downright scary.
On Monday I had a birthday. Of all the birthdays I've looked forward to, eighteen was the most anticipated. This week I celebrated my 36th birthday. It occurred to my that my 18th birthday was 18 years ago. Legally, I've been an adult, longer than I've been a child. It's the kind of weird realization that leaves you looking over, and examining you life's work. What have you done with your 18 years of freedom? I wish I could say that I started a charity, wrote a book, learned a few languages, the kind of stuff on my bucket list. Instead, I've lived a very quiet life. Outside of God, my family, and a few friends (not the Facebook kind) hardly anyone knows I'm here. If I died today there probably won't be a long line of mourners. I'm not trying to be critical of my life, just honest. I'm not looking back with regrets either. There are quite a few things in my life that I could have done differently. But for the most part I tried. I feel OK with that. The one thing I regret most, is not being completely surrendered to the God I claim I believe in. I look back and I see that my history with Him is inconsistent. Sometimes I walking with Him, at other times I'm skipping off in a totally different direction. For however much more time God gives me, I'd like to spend it in obedience to Him. That means I'm dethroning myself. I'm no longer god in my own little world. I'd really like to look back 18 years years from now, and see what He does with a totally surrendered life.