Secrets

Some stories want to be told. They come pouring out effortlessly, and sometimes unexpectedly. Then there are others that as one friend told me, "you take to the grave."
I've been thinking about that second class of secrets, the "take it to the gravers." I'm not sure I agree. I'm no advocate of broadcasting one's business, but perhaps there is one person, or maybe a few people with whom you could entrust your entire story. How tragic to leave this planet and no one knew you. I mean really knew you.

I think of people who are diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Could you imagine keeping secrets and then not being able to control when they are told? Your disease decided it. Or what if you lost the ability to recall some memories again? I suppose it could be relative to the memory. Most wouldn't care about losing a terrible one. Those are the ones we want to forget. But even horrific memories have played a role in the shaping of who we are, and can transform those around us. Imagine if the Jews who suffered at the hands of Hitler never shared their stories. What if they chose to protect themselves from the pain and shame of those recollections? What if they chose to be viewed as strong rather than vulnerable or victims of the Nazis? What if Jesus suffered, but never shared the extent of His suffering? God in the hands of man. Talk about a story of humility. We don't naturally enjoy revealing the hardships and humiliating moments of our lives.  Shared or not, these stories are as much a part of the shaping of who we are as anything else. My point is, suffering though by definition painful, isn't powerless or pointless. Victimization reveals vulnerability, but it doesn't negate hope or cancel victory. Often it produces it. Triumph has its roots in tragedy, so your narrative, no matter where it falls on the spectrum of good and bad has value. Even if not for you, the telling of your story might prevent a thousand disasters in the lives of those around you.

 I realize how scary this must sound. Weirder still, is that it is coming from me. Trust does not come easily to me. It is rather elusive actually. I have to know you, prove that you listen, and are loyal. It's about a two-decade process. Even then, that doesn't guarantee that I'll lay it all out for you, only that you'd be in the running if I ever decided to.  Still, I can't help but wonder who is served by keeping anything a secret? It is the "why" behind the action that gives me pause and has me questioning Why do we keep secrets? Protection seems the obvious answer, but is it really protection? What and who are we guarding against? And what do we keep out, by keeping our guards so high? Perhaps we keep out judgment, and persecution as a result. But consider that we also keep out healing, health, and growth. Who is really served by protecting a secret? Further, there is some indication that the desire to self-protect might be driven by a weakness. That, I find unacceptable. Let's eliminate that. Actions from fear and weakness are no way to live.

I understand that there are things you could only share with a select few. There may even be things that you can only share with one person. The point isn't that we walk around spewing our story like a Grimm's fairy tale, but that we share it. All of it. The main reason is freedom. Whatever is hidden has power over you. You are a servant to it.  It is the silent overseer deciding how you could act. Who you could be around. How much you can truly be loved. And isn't that the whole reason people hide secrets anyway? They want to protect the public view of themselves, an retain whatever value can be gained from that view. Love. Fear. Idolization. Respect. We have an internal evaluator ever asking, "How much would I be loved and accepted if these things are known of me?" How would people view me if they knew...?"
Mostly we hide what we are or have done because we don't want others to know the "real us." It is too risky. It could be a potential impediment to them loving us. Respecting us. But the desire to hold onto social approval is a mighty snare, built on the fear of man. It is a weird sort of prison, one built by the hands of the captive to protect him from the thing he actually wants. Meaning we want love, so we don't disclose out of fear of rejection or a denial of love. But because we don't disclose, the attention and affections we receive are not real. They are not based on truth. They are for the person we pretend to be. They are not based on who we are, but who we are not, who we purport to be. We are then forced to stay in that prison, because we have built an image on falsehood. Even under the best of circumstances when we play the part well, when everyone believes the lie of the image we present, there is no real peace in the love and respect garnered there. Instead there is conflict because we know the truth. Still, we must maintain the image to maintain the acceptance. This is the broad ramifications of secrets. They change you. They imprison you. They make you become something you are not to protect the thing that you actually are, have done, or want.

Many of us aren't completely fake. We just have a few things we'd like to keep to ourselves. I think that's the problem. That thing is "keeping us to ourselves." It hinders us from being a light to another. From being seen. It keeps us closed off. Greater still it hinders us from the free flow of the divine work in us. Primarily because the power of someone's life relates heavily to what they have been able to overcome, learn from, and celebrate as a result of their journey. It is the story of what God has brought them through, is bringing them through, and allowing them to keep surviving. Maturity, and growth is revealed in the things we have been able to honestly overcome.  It is also the thing that is most attractive about us. Do you think anyone wants to hear about overcoming alcoholism from a person who has never had a drink? No. We want that story from the horse's mouth. Suffered abuse? Guess who you will be more likely to reach, or relate to? An abuse victim. Point is, often the things we are trying to hide or protect in us or about us, is the potential light in us. It will be the thing that draws others to us, to God, to freedom. Don't hide it under a bushel or a of basket of fear.

The "what" in our story is important, because it highlights the "who." What we overcame shines a light on "how" we did so. Specifically, "who" helped us. To downplay the "what" in our story is to undercut  the "who" and the power of "how" they helped us.


Earlier I mentioned weakness as a reason we don't share. I don't mean to sound cruel, but often it is. We are too easily shaped by the opinions and applause of others. If our junk risks those most valued things then we clam up. We so esteem the thoughts of others, that we treasure their opinions above wholeness. Above God's glory. It is a very sad and apologetic sort of life. The careful covering of secrets is a constant reminder of not being worthy enough, a continuous apology for, and an acknowledgement of not being up to some perceived level. It also screams unforgiveness. It is unforgiveness of someone or of ourselves, because when you are free of a thing, you don't need to guard it or treat it with such high regard. You are free to share it and shout it from rooftops. You overcame it. It doesn't have any control over you. You control it. It is a thing of your past, something that you've moved beyond, like 80's perm and big hair. You don't tip toe around it. You talk about it. You are bold with the truth, and the "secret" becomes a strength.  It does your bidding. Not the other way around.

Still, the biggest drawback to secrets is living a lie. You end up losing out on purpose because of them. It is an impossibility and a fruitless effort to spend your life attempting to satisfy everyone else's expectations. The end result is you'll live below what you could have been.  Is that thing worth it? What are you hiding? Who are you protecting? Why?  Consider how it's controlling you? Let the light in. Take a risk. Expose the darkness to someone you trust. Allow real love to enter, and give the light of your story a chance to shine. Then, and only then can you be free. Truth alone, liberates the soul.